To Be, Rather Than to Perform

My friend and I were talking about how parents cope with children who are neurodiverse. He is a Buddhist, and I am a Christian. Our conversation centered on a question many parents face: How do we manage the demands of raising our children, especially when we return home after a long day at work?

The academic pressures are high, and time is limited. More often than not, the children still have homework to complete. They have to prepare for the following day, sit down for supper, have a bath, and eventually get ready for bed. These can feel like the suicidal hours of the day—when everyone is tired, time is running out, and emotions are already running high.

Mothers may be preparing a meal while fathers try to help the children with their homework. The children, meanwhile, are exhausted after a long school day, often followed by sport and extracurricular activities. Pressure builds, emotions rise, and, more often than not, this can lead to some form of emotional disruption within the family.

Parents are often frustrated by the poor performance reports they receive from school. In their concern, they may turn to medication in the hope of improving academic performance and reducing anxiety. Yet, despite these efforts, the divide between neurodiverse and neurotypical children remains. In many cases, this can negatively affect a neurodiverse child’s self-esteem and their confidence in their own ability to learn and reach their potential.

It was at this point that my friend told me something that surprised me.

“You know,” he said, “in Buddhism, we talk about being—about simply being, and about living in this body.”

He suggested that parents sometimes need to take a step back and grieve the expectations they had for their children. Not because their children are somehow less than others, but because the children may not be able—or may not need—to compete with the social and academic demands imposed by our Western society.

What is more important: to be or to attain?

Perhaps our children need us to value their being more than their performance. To love them as human beings, rather than loving the person we imagined they would become. To let go of expectations shaped by schools, society, and sometimes even our own childhood experiences.

This conversation made me reflect on what it means to love a child unconditionally.

So, parents, please love your children for who they are.

Spend time with them. Go outside and play. Watch a movie together. Play a video game. Laugh with them. Talk to them. Let them know that they are more than a school report, a test result, or a grade.

Do not criticise them because they do not match your expectations—or the expectations of society.

Tell them that they are amazing simply because they are.

Tell them that you love them.

Tell them that they will never disappoint you.

Because perhaps our greatest responsibility as parents is not to make our children fit into the world, but to give them the confidence to discover who they are and to know that they are loved exactly as they are.